Barbarians, swords, sorcery and sandals - Part 1

I needed to watch some barbarian and sword & sorcery movies for a project I'm working on, so I bought 11 more or less classics from the genre. That being the 80's Conan copies and of course the Conan movies themselves. Here's my thoughts on the first six of them in no particular order. As a warning for the fans of this genre, I must say I'm not a big fan of them so don't hold it against me if I fail to see the greatness of some of these movies.













Red Sonja (1985)

Brigitte Nielsen is Red Sonja, a master sword swinger who seeks revenge on the evil queen who killed her family. The queen has also stolen a magical orb with destructive powers and Red Sonja tries to retrieve it. Joining her in this adventure is Arnold Schwarzenegger as Kalidor, a warrior on a quest to destroy the orb. They are also joined by an annoying kid prince and his servant, serving as the comic sidekicks I guess. This movie follows very predictable paths, bit of sword swinging and adventure with of course a bit of romance in there as well. The acting is quite bad most of the time, but then again the cast is there for their looks not because of their acting talents. I guess the real reason this movie was made was that Brigitte Nielsen looked hot in that tight warrior outfit. Highlights of this movie was Ennio Morricone's music, but unfortunately not much else. At parts the movie gets so bad it becomes funny, but then it just becomes bad again, so can't really recommend it as a campy fun movie either. Anyway it had it's moments and kept me somewhat entertained despite it's flaws.
40%

The Blade Master (1984)

From a barbarian movie by Joe D'Amato you'd expect quite a bit of sexploitation. Much to my surprise there was basically none, if you don't count the nice outfit of Mila. Well anyway, this is a bad movie and unfortunately it's not the kind which turns into great comedy for being so bad, so I won't waste much time for it. Apparently this is a sequel for Ator the Fighting Eagle (1982), though absolutely nothing is this one made me want to see what the first, or the third for that matter, are about. Ator (Miles O'Keeffe) is this some sort of a great warrior who is living at the far edge of the world which seems to be about a day away from everywhere. One day Mila (Lisa Foster) brings bad news about his mentor who is captured by a bad guy named Zor (David Brandon). So off they go with their mute Asian sidekick, funnily named Thong (Kiro Wehara), to rescue the mentor. Bad effects, horrible acting and a nonsense plot follows. A few scenes cracked me up in laughter, like the snake fight and the hang gliding scene with those hand grenades for example, but mostly the only excitement this movie offered was watching the incredibly short skirt of Mila. So it's not really anything more than just a bad movie. I'm just wondering why did someone make this in the first place? Why did someone finance this horrible excuse of a movie? Why did someone release it as a DVD? And most of all why did I buy it? Well luckily it was cheap, but I'd still rather have my 3.95 back and most importantly my one and a half hours back.
10%

Ironmaster (1983)

Umberto Lenzi is more known from his violent crime movies and cannibal films, but like most Italian exploitation directors, he too wanted to cash in with the success of Conan the Barbarian (1982) and this is what he made. It's basically not a barbarian movie as it's a story about cave men who discover iron, but the themes are quite barbarian. Vood (George Eastman) kills his tribe leader and the hero of the movie, Ela (Sam Pasco), drives him out of the tribe. But Vood discovers an iron blade and comes back to claim the leadership of the tribe by force. Then Ela is cast out while Vood decides to take rule over all of the neighboring tribes. Ela then joins forces with a peace loving tribe of hippies and they of course have a bloody battle. That's the story in a nut shell, but there's plenty more than that. There's lions, men in monkey costumes, disease ridden people who look like zombies and of course the horribly bad acting. The fights are clumsy as usual but this time, this one being an Umberto Lenzi movie, there's some gore effects to spice things up a bit. The music was quite horrible and annoyingly repetitive. For most parts this was just a bad movie, but there were quite a few absolutely brilliant moments that were so horribly bad they were great comedy. So I must say I was surprisingly entertained and in the end this was quite an ok campy trash movie.
48%

The Sword and the Sorcerer (1982)

This is the first feature length movie of Albert Pyun, the self proclaimed master of cheap b-class action movies. True to his filmography and the genre in question this movie is not good either. The story in this one goes something like this, an evil guy called Cromwell (Richard Lynch) resurrects an evil sorcerer just to kill him moments later. Then Cromwell goes on to kill the king and become the king himself. The son and the daughter of the king escape and years later try to take over the kingdom from Cromwell. There's some twists I guess I shouldn't mention in order to not spoil it, even though I wouldn't really recommend watching this movie in the first place. It clearly shows that Pyun is trying to go for the feel of Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981) with the hero, the music, the dialog and the action, but of course missing the mark by a mile. Though I must say the hero, played by Lee Horsley, was by far the best thus far out of these movies, well at least he tries to bring some comedy into it if nothing else. There are some scenes which were absolutely brilliant in how idiotic they were. For example a scene where an evil jailer gets his head slowly pushed into a grinding wheel which is powered by his own legs. Still makes me laugh to think about it, I mean if your head is about to get grinded out maybe it would be wise to stop pedalling the damn thing. Anyway that's just one example, there are more of those, but unfortunately they are few and far between. So in the end this is not really worth watching, unless you want to waste your time on garbage for a few hilarious scenes.
36%

The Warrior and the Sorceress (1984)

Thus far this is the only movie I might consider leaving to my collection out of this bunch. Don't get me wrong, this is a bad movie, but it's so bad it's simply hilarious. The story is basically a copy of Akira Kurosawa's Yojimbo (1961), this time set on planet Ura. Two groups are fighting over the control of a village's only water well, in comes a strange warrior called Kain (David Carradine) who has other plans for the village. You can guess the rest. Anyway, the fighting was bad, the tits were plenty, the acting horrible, the creatures were oddly cute, the effects hilarious, the dialog ridiculous and did I mention the tits already? The movie is horribly edited, it looked like someone did some cuts to the final print of the movie as even the music cuts from time to time and not only between scenes, but within a scene as well. Though that only helped the goofy feeling of the movie. I must say I wasn't bored and I did get some nice laughs, even though I kind of doubt I'll be watching this one again any time soon. Maybe I'll save this one for some hangover morning in the future.
65%

Can't find a linkable trailer for this one, so here's the opening credits, for what ever that's worth...

Deathstalker (1983)

Deathstalker (Rick Hill) is a sword swinging warrior whose goals in life are to have sex with as many ladies as possible and to obtain the three powers of creation. He gets one power, a sword, from an old witch, the other two are held by an evil magician Munkar (Bernard Erhard) who just so happens to arrange a big tournament where the winner gets them. So Deathstalker heads to the tournament and is joined by Kaira (Lana Clarkson) a warrior woman in probably the most ridiculous and sexist outfits I've ever seen. That's about all there is to the story, some sword swinging and plenty of tits to follow. I must say the entertainment values were quite high in this movie, especially during the first half, but unfortunately the second half focuses too much on the story and the sword fights, which of course are not much to go with. Apart from the outfit of Kaira there were quite a few hilariously weird moments, for example a funny sex scene which might give homophobes some very bad nightmares. All in all this was an ok bad movie, had some good laughs and it kept me entertained throughout. Though in the end there are so many better good bad movies out there that this one will just vanish in the vast averageness.
50%

That's it for the first part, the second part with the Conan movies and a few other 80's exploitation flicks, will follow eventually when I get the time and mood to watch them. Might end up watching the Conan remake as well, but don't hold your breath for it.

The Finnish star of sexploitation

I just watched two movies from Sirpa Lane, Finland's gift to the world of sexploitation and 70's B-movies, so here's my brief thoughts on them. I must say I'm not really a fan of sexploitation movies, so pardon me if I don't understand the “brilliance” of these two.

The Beast in Space (1980)

Well the camp values surely are strong with this one. Hilarious costumes, funny cheap special effects, some weird light sabre ripoffs, a half man half horse with a big dildo between the legs and a computer robot monster of some sort with some humanoid robot minions, just to name a few. Add to that all the naked ladies of course, so the entertainment values are high. But really even with all that it was rather boring most of the time, that says a lot about the story of the movie and the horrible pacing of it all. The story is some nonsense about people on a space ship looking for some rare material called Antallum, but everyone seems to be focusing on drinking in the bar and having sex. Eventually they then visit a planet which is ruled by some computer monster thing which controls people's minds turning the whole place into one big orgy. I watched the Shameless release of this movie which said it's the most complete “softcore” version with some shots inserted from the hardcore version which contains additional porn footage added to it. It was rather apparent where the actual movie switched to the porn inserts as you can clearly see it's different people having sex than before. And the weirdest part were the “stunt tits” used in some scenes which didn't look anything like the tits of Sirpa Lane which of course are already presented very thoroughly. I mean for example a scene where she is laying on the ground on a green background while a man rubs her tits cuts to some other tits being rubbed with a blue background while the actress is clearly standing and then cut back to the ground and rubbing the actual tits. What the hell is the point of that? Now I did laugh quite a lot watching this and wasn't bored at all but still I'd rate this among the average of it's kind.

48%

Can't find a trailer for this one.

Love Goddess of the Cannibals (1978)

Talk about a misleading name, apart from two scenes which were borderline cannibalism, this movie has absolutely nothing to do with cannibals. This is nothing but the usual Joe D'Amato sexploitation romp. Well there is a slight try for a statement as the movie is kind of anti nuclear energy, but the focus is of course on the naked ladies and softcore sex. The idea is that there's a nuclear plant being built on some exotic island and the natives have a leader (Melissa Chimenti) who seemingly likes to have sex with the scientists before her minions kill them. Amongst all this is Sara (Sirpa Lane), whose purpose being on the island in the first place is rather vague, except for having sex with everyone. So yes, it's not a great plot and neither is the movie. Apart from a few unintentionally funny scenes, the only thing I liked about the movie was the score by Stelvio Cipriani, though that as well was rather repetitive. Sexploitation fans might get something out of this, but can't really recommend it to anyone else, It's not even bad enough to be funny. I have to give some credit to the music and Sirpa Lane who's always pleasing to the eyes.

23%

Apparently I can't link the trailer here as it has an age limit on it, so search for it on YouTube if you want to see it.

A Roman cat fight

The Arena (1974)

All the trademarks of a Roger Corman exploitation flick this time set in the ancient Rome and done by the Italian sexploitation maestro Joe D'Amato. The Roman people get bored of watching male gladiators beat themselves to death on the arena and want something new. Change the men to women and the people are happy again. Needless to say the story was crap as always. Same thing as in so many others of it's kind, enslavement and abuse with payback and escape in the end. On a D'Amato scale this was very tame, not what you'd expect from the master of sleaze. But on a Corman scale this was quite an average effort. Had enough of good laughs and feast for the eyes to keep me entertained, but far from the best of it's kind.
44%