When punks run the school

Class of 1984 (1982)

Hadn't seen this cult classic in ages so I decided to give it another try. Well the story is still surprisingly relevant and worked quite well. Sure it goes way over the top towards the end but it still raises very good questions even today. The 80's style is not as bad as in many of it's kind, but still enough to make it look quite unintentionally ridiculous. what can you do, it was a crazy world back then. The acting is ranging from very poor to quite good. Roddy McDowall as the biology teacher represents the poorer side of the acting, quite bad performance even though the part offers some very good moments. Perry King is quite ok, but Timothy Van Patten does the greatest performance in this one. Sure the part is written quite cleverly but yet this guy pulls it off with a great job. I kind of wonder why he hasn't acted that much after this, seemed to have quite a bit of potential. Rest of the thugs are quite bad. First half of this movie is actually quite great and the biology lesson is pretty much brilliant, but unfortunately the movie goes way over the top towards the end which brings down the mood a bit too much. Actually I was suprised it worked this well, was certainly worth watching.
64%

A sex comedy with not that much comedy

Fantasm (1976)

Heard a lot of good about this Aussie sex comedy, but it turned out to be a big disapointment. The comedy was mostly absolutely rubbish with a couple of almost good scenes with some nice "what the fuck?" moments. The sex scenes were from quite explicit to quite mild and there were plenty of them. The "acting" was bad throughout. The look of the movie was quite ok but definitely nothing special. So it certainly didn't shine through in any department and I got quite bored despite the few nice moments.
33%

Horror in Psychovision!

Bloody Pit of Horror (1965)

The movie starts with a medieval scene of a guy called the Crimson Executioner being locked into a torture cabin and sealed in there forever. Jump ahead to present day 1965 and a group of trendy people in search of a castle for their photo shoot. They find a castle that looks empty but soon realise that there lives a man in isolation from the world. The man who lives in the castle just with his muscular bodyguards in tight sailor shirts, is not happy to see the visitors. But just as he has told them to leave he takes an interest to one of the women and tells them they can stay. And on we go to the dungeons where there are all sorts of wacky torture appliances which at first are in the liking of the visitors and their shoot. But then comes out the Crimson Executioner dressed in tights, hood and a superhero eye piece to make their lives miserable. One by one the visitors start to get their share of him spiced up with swinging soundtrack. The executioner seems quite obsessed about his body and he lets us know that every time possible. "Mankind is made up of inferior creatures, spiritually and physically deformed, who would have corrupted the harmony of my perfect body" while oiling his body is just one of the brilliant lines he's giving out. There are some absolutely brilliant scenes that you just have to see to believe them. The one involving a woman tied into a spider web while the spider and the rescue both racing to her is something indescribable in brilliance. And the part where the Executioner is running between his victims in various torture appliances giving out lines that are the mind work of a ture genius has to be one of the best I've seen. Haven't laughed this hard for a while. Everything in this movie sucks so bad that you just have to love it. A true camp classic and I would love to give it a 100 percent as it is but the start is so utterly boring before we get to the real juicy parts.
86%

The new master race?

The Black Gestapo (1975)

Oh man where do I begin... Harlem is overrun by racist white mafia, who all seem to have a porn star moustache and overly big sunglasses. The citizens found a People's Army to provide some sort of protection against the bad white men. The "army" is more like a group of boyscouts who don't get the job done and just get beat up by the mafia. So they separate a small more militant group to act against the mafia, Black Milita (or Black Gestapo as the title says). These guys are no boyscouts who go door to door selling cookies, they climb up your window and cut your balls out. As the mafia doesn't like this, there's a war naturally. But then all of a sudden the white mafia is gone and the movie turns into a fight between the People's Army and the Black Militia. It loses quite a bit of it's momentun at that point, but luckily the end is still quite hilarious. This movie's world view is so black and white that it's just hilarious. Women are either whores, nurses or lying naked on the bed and the men are all tougher than the other. This really was so bad that it was actually great fun.
75%

The worst movie ever made?

Battlefield Earth: A Saga of the Year 3000 (2000)

I finally had the time, or more likely the mood, to watch this one. And oh my god what a movie it turned out to be. All the thousands of bad reviews this movie has got merely scratch the surface. I mean this movie stinks so much it makes shit smell like roses. There's honestly not a single thing in this movie that works. I really got the feeling that everyone who worked on this movie was a disgrace to the art itself. Even thou it has some people in it who have actually made something worth while in the past. Guess stupidity is contagious. It's like the cinematographer had some sort of balance disorder and bad eyesight so every shot had to be somehow tilted and zoomed in tight. Thou then again the closeups were probably intentional as most of the sets looked like they're from some 50's sci-fi b-movie. The composer had to be on crack or something as his take on most of the things seemed to be "oh there's nothing happening on the shot, lets put some grandiloquent music there to boost it up". The actors are completely lost seemingly just improvising some old cliches and they're certainly not getting any help from the director who seems to be lost in his own vision. He makes it quite sure we can fully understand everything he's trying to tell us by using painfully many slow motion shots and echoing all the "important" lines, not once or twice but as much as five times so even the slowest of retards can get it. Oh boy, by now you must be thinking it's better to run away fast from this film. No, don't do that. I highly recommend this movie as it's just something larger than life, you have to see it to believe it. It honestly makes Plan 9 from Outer Space look like a work of art. It truly is so bad that it's brilliant. Here's just a few examples of the greatness. A man talks to a walkie-talkie saying "Five guards from the cell, heavily armed and moving FAST!" while the viewer is shown five guards in slow motion WALKING. You can get a 1000 year old Harrier jet flying and learn to fully use it in a day on a flight simulator. You have never even seen a library, you get a chance to read one book and learn from it what ever you wish, what book do you take? The Declaration of Indepence of course. The Psychlo's, the bad guys, are able to defeat the whole earth in 9 minutes, but can't stop the few humans from destroying almost all of them. Those are just a few of the thousands of superb moments of this film. I have to say this is the best worst movie I have ever seen, simply brilliant. Had the movie ended in a scene of raising a U.S. flag, it would have found it's way straight to the top 10 of my all time favourite movies. But even without it it's cheesy enough to be a gem. It's a must see for everyone, wether to enjoy it's overwhelming badness that reaches levels of greatness or just to see the worst movie ever made so you can enjoy the average pieces of this art form a bit more.
99%

Did the hell just freeze over?

Postal (2007)

Uwe Boll, the infamous worst director in the world, has turned a pile of shit into a gem. Holy crap this movie was just awesome. I don't know where to start, there's so much greatness in this one. The humor was just brilliant, when it actually worked it was fun of course, but when it didn't work it was so bad it was funny as hell. It's overly violent and everyone get their share of the carnage, mostly women and children thou. That's the point of this movie, things go postal. It has no morale at all and it makes fun of all of the "wrong" things. But then again as everyone gets their share it's actually quite equal in the end. The "actors" can't really act, but you just don't care about that. It's badly made, thou some of the effects are quite good, but that just adds the camp value to it. The first scene with terrorists pondering on how many virgins they get when they die on a suicide mission is just brilliant. One of the best openings I've seen. I don't want to give away too much details, but there's tons really brilliant scenes in it. For example it has the best ending I've seen in ages. Just beautiful. I dare to call it an instant classic. Don't take it too seriously.
96%

So lets look at some of the masterpieces this guy has done before. Haven't seen many of them as they're usually not really enjoyable to watch. I'm not going to spend a lot of time writing much about them as they really don't deserve it. But maybe I have to check out more of them as there might be another gem in there.



BloodRayne II: Deliverance (2007)

Can't write a complete review as I stopped watching after 40 minutes. I'm going to give it ten percent as there might be something awesome in the end that I missed. But I doubt anyone will get that far.
10%



BloodRayne (2005)

I just feel sorry for some of the quite good actors he has somehow managed to get into this. It's supposed to be full of action, fantasy and horror. The action you get from shifting your position restlesly as the movie bores you to death. The fantasy stayed somewhere in mr. Boll's head. And the horror is probably you counting the minutes you still have to endure it. Still I'm glad I saw this, it makes the usually bad movies feel a bit better.
5%



Alone in the Dark (2005)

This was just an insult. The game was quite brilliant with an awesome atmosphere. This movie, well there could be a place for it in film schools as an example of how to not make a movie. Horrible crap.
0%



House of the Dead (2003)

90 minutes of my life I'm never getting back. It did raise some emotions thou, mostly hate towards the makers of this crap, the theatre for actually showing it and my friend who dragged me to see it.
0%